http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ GARY CHAPMAN
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Communication Perspectives in Marriage II
Listening and Hearing
Spouses need to remember that people hear in three ways, by the ears, by the
eyes and by the heart.
1) Hearing with ears.
Ears pick communication coming from WORDS. The choice of words, attitude and
tone of voice influences what one hears. To be able to hear words well one has
to learn to listen. Listening is at the heart of effective communication. To be
able to listen well and show that you are listening you have to pay attention. For
example, when your spouse is speaking and you walk away or keep watching a
football match on TV you communicate that you do not take them seriously and do
not value what they are saying. Good communication demands that you learn to
listen and to pay attention. Paying attention is to leave everything else and
focus your mind to hear what your spouse has to say.
Admittedly, there are
times you may have to speak to your spouse while they are doing something else,
e.g. a wife while she is cooking she can be listening to her husband. Generally,
women are better at this sort of multi-tasking than men are. Our house has an
open passage connecting the kitchen and the lounge. When I sit in the lounge
watching TV, I hardly hear conversations in the kitchen. However, if in my
conversation in the lounge I talk about something relevant to my wife I am
surprised to hear her shout a fitting comment from the kitchen.
2) Hearing with eyes.
Eyes pick communication from ACTIONS. This avenue includes facial expressions,
eye contact, silent treatment, and other body language. It contributes about
60% of all that is communicated. In a
way, eyes are the most significant ‘hearing’ organ yet the least considered to
the detriment of the marriage relationship. Non-verbal form of communication
takes away or gives credence to the words one has to say. The more the behaviors
align with the words you say the more they are easy to believe. When you say
you love someone and show by giving gifts, spending time with, affectionately
touching and helping out as needed the love you profess becomes tangible.
3) Hearing with the heart. The receiver’s heart discerns the ATTITUDES. This avenue includes ability to pick messages from the communicator’s feelings and touch. Non sexually motivated touch can assure of affection and compassion. One’s feelings reach to the feelings of the other. The receiving spouse can feel loved or unloved, cared for or uncared for, accepted or rejected, valued or despised, and respected or abused. In addition, the signal through the vocal and visual means evoke certain emotions in the receiver. Think therefore about how your overall conduct affects your spouse emotionally. The life of God in you also helps you to Growing in godliness improves spiritual ability to discern motives and other salient signals[1].
Words, actions and
attitudes start a relationship play a vital part in building it up.
Communication Perspectives in Marriage I
Thinking Outcomes
By Kurai and Lena Chitima
Communication in marriage is the way a couple make their feelings and thoughts known to each other. It is a way they find commonness with each other. The measure of overall effectiveness of communication in marriage is the effect it has on the marriage. All communication is for a purpose. If it results in unintended consequences or reactions, communication has failed. The same applies to marriage. The couple needs to establish a shared purpose for communication in their marriage. They must agree on what their communication is supposed to achieve. The aim of communication in healthy marriages is to build[1] and preserve enjoyable marriage by sharing love[2]. Each seeks to win the other as opposed to winning an argument or merely passing information. Good communication builds oneness. What matters are not just the technicalities of communication but its outcomes? The feedback from the other person and the impact a communication had on the marriage confirms its effectiveness. When communication results in marriage failure, it has failed.
Think about the likely
effect of your communication before you speak. Let your communication result in
outcomes you intend. Be slow to speak and quick to hear. Seek to understand the
other person and anticipate their response. Words once spoken, as water from a
spring cannot be taken back. Even when you could argue that, you simply told the
facts. It is not the veracity but the wisdom of words that carries the day.
Communication can build or
destroy the married and their marriage. Your spouse becomes what you say to
them, that is how important communication is. Like with seeds, sow what you
want to reap. For example, focusing on mentioning failures produces more
failures. Focusing on strengths encourages the strengths. Symptoms of
communication break down include mistrust, defensiveness, unresolved conflict, being
judgmental of each other.
Learning how to
communicate effectively, in a manner that strengthens your marriage is not easy
but is necessary to a functional and enjoyable marriage.
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