MAKING IT
WORK AS IT SHOULD
By Dr. Kurai Chitima
From 30 years of ministry and marital counselling,
I have reached the conclusion that both men and women are responsible for
all the problems the world is facing.
Whether they be marital or other problems in society. The bark
however has to stop with men because they dominate in leadership roles. High
marriage failures points to the quality of male leadership in the homes. Unfaithfulness, neglect and irresponsibility
is rampant. Many godly submissive wives are abused, and neglected to, in the
end, be abandoned to raise children on their own. These wives ravaged and devastated
spiritually, emotionally and physically. Many are forced to endure the marriage
relationship for the sake of children or
what people may say. While some are left with doubts about the goodness
of God. Yet God’s design of marriage is
that the husband and the wife are one flesh and should enjoy their relationship
to His glory. If one-flesh, therefore a person who abuses his/her spouse
has a suicide bomber syndrome. Such a person also violates the law of marriage
– ‘husband love your wife, wife submit to your husband’ and Gods first command
– ‘love God with all your heart, mind, strength and love your neighbor as
yourself.’ - Mathew 22:36-39. After
loving God no one is a nearer neighbor that a spouse.
Husbands must make the first move to love their wives as Christ made the first move for the
church. Jesus played his part first as head of the church and of the
man. They must love their wives not for
what they will get from them but, selflessly, for whom they are and what is
best for them. Adam saw Eve as worthy to be loved – ‘bone if my bone’. They
must make the choice and commitment to love their wives to fulfill righteousness
by obeying the command to ‘love your wife as Christ loved the Church’. When a husband takes the first move to create
an environment for fulfilling Gods purpose and complying with Gods
design and one of commitment, care, trust, respect, love and security, it
becomes much easier for a wife to submit. That is exactly what God had in mind.
I have also learnt that leading an organisation
is different from leading a spouse and children. In the later one primarily
leads by love and example only not by rank and domination.
Man and Women jointly exercise dominion over God’s
creation. By ordering their relationships particularly in marriage according to
God’s plan they gain dominion over all else. ‘And God said, let us make man in
our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the
sea, etc’ – Genesis 1:26. Both share in the mission from God and together they complete the image of God. “So God created
man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female
created he them.’ - Genesis 1:27. Both
were in God’s original plan. None was an after thought. That is why when Eve
was made God did not need to make modifications on Adam. Adam was already
made/designed for the woman. He simply discovered himself. Both were made for each other and marriage
was instituted for both. Marriage
is for both the man and the woman. Without the other marriage cannot
exist. Without each playing their part marriage cannot reach its potential and
can't be functional. ‘Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it
fits in the Lord Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.’
Before the wife is instructed to submit
both as Christians are instructed to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21) and
to pursue godliness (Colossians 3:1-18). Before husbands are instructed to love
their wives both, as Christians, are instructed to love one another.
A couple must take their rightful positions of
leader and helper unto the Lord and under God. The wife as a helper and
follower only follows as the husband follows Christ. Whether the husband is a
Christian or a non-Christian one follows on things that do not violate the word
of God. A husband who pushes their wife to violate God’s word is not under
Christ and loses legitimacy to exercise authority over the wife on the issue.
The wife with wisdom and respect has to say no. Doing so is not insubordination
because submission s first to God. The wife instead falls on God’s authority.
Both are to personally fear God and obey his word. Both submit to God and must
therefore look and fix eyes on Christ first.
Fix eyes on Christ and only follow as the other follows Christ. Keeping
eyes on Jesus gives the inspiration and strength to submit and love. Both
should be looking to God and not over dependent on the other. Both are only
dependent to the other under God. So that even if the other was not there the
one can continue life under God. Each person in marriage has a personal
relationship with Christ. Each will also account for their life before God personally.
There will be no room to blame one’s spouse.
Jesus is the only mediator between a believer and God. Having
submitted to God first the wife in submission to God submits to her husband for
divine order. Anything with two or more heads is a monster. God in his wisdom
designed each gender for its role.
QUESTIONS and
ANSWERS
Is leading in
marriage unique?
YES. Marital leadership is at a higher level than
servant master relationship, higher than leading a corporate organisation and
higher than the military command relationship.
What is
submission?
It is respectfully letting another lead you and
support them under God to achieve God’s order in line with God given gender
differences and unique gifts to fulfill your shared God given purpose.
Does this
mean a wife has no personal Dreams?
NO. It means she has personal dreams that fit
into/align with and support the dreams of the husband. This should be
established before getting into marriage (Amos 3:3).
Is being a helper inferior?
No. Its being righteous. Its being powerful because
you are most powerful in your rightful position. The Holy Spirit is our helper but is not a
weakling. You ignore the Holy Spirit to your disadvantage. Similarly a man who
ignores their wife does so at his loss.
Is it easy?
Both submitting and loving as Christ are not easy.
Couples need to depend on God by spiritual nurturing so that they experience
God’s ability more. Also remember its warfare. The enemy will do everything
possible to make spouses ineffective in life by attacking their home base
because if things are not well at home they tend to be unwell everywhere else.
When not to
submit?
Always have a submissive attitude. The inner
godliness must show. Whatever to you say even a no… do so with humility,
respect and love. Ask God for wisdom to say no and to negotiate. This can be
when:
- a situation
is life threatening e.g. extreme abuse
- when pushed
to do something clearly in violation of God’s word
- the man is
mentally disabled
What if he
insists?
1)
As much as possible keep doing the right thing in
all areas not violating the word of God. That gives you high ground before
God. It also paints a pattern of behavior your spouse will respect. You will not be judged by one act of non
compliance but by how you generally treat your spouse.
2)
Then pray and see what God will do. God hears you
when you pray from position of obedience rather than allowing another’s wrong
to make you retaliate and roll your ground before God away.
3)
Seek Godly counsel if necessary. Not always easy to
find impartial counsel because often the woman tends to be blamed. I am of the
view both parties have the responsibility to solve the problem and the leader
should lead the way in finding solutions
4)
Seek to win your marriage and not an argument. Be
respectful and let the other know in advance that you are considering counsel.
Doing it behind their back can damage trust.
In fact, very early in the marriage relationship or even before marriage
agree on who can speak into your marriage. who can hold each of you accountable
to do what you agree on. The husband should have a pastor or mentor to whom you
agree early before there is a problem that the wife can appeal when
necessary. Develop a social support
network. However generally avoid bringing in third parties until really
necessary. A third part may complicate the situation.
5)
See K. Chitima notes on conflict resolution.
Is Church
leadership spared from marital problems?
Regrettably, the marriages of church leaders,
regardless of title, have not been spared. Church leaders have failed to
balance life roles. In the public platforms of ministry and profession, they
are powerful but in their marriages and parenting, they are a disaster.
Sacrificing marriages on the altar of ministry and professions is not the
design of God.
