Lasting
and Enjoyable Marriage
Bible reading - Colossians 3.12-19
Put
on therefore, as God’s elect, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness,
longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving each other, if any
man have a complaint against any; even as the Lord forgave you, so also do ye:
And above all these things
put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of
Christ rule in your hearts, to the which also ye were called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the
word of Christ dwell in you richly; in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one
another with psalms and hymns And whatsoever ye do, in word or in deed, do all
in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the
Lord. Husbands, love your
wives, and be not bitter against them.
The bible
reading highlights general qualities that are necessary for sound and lasting
relationships. The last two verses exhort wives to submit to their husbands as
loving helpers and husbands to love their wives as the team leaders in the
marriage relationship. However it is important to view the two injunctions in the context of the whole
passage. The passage encourages godliness in marriage. It includes the need for
qualities needed in both parties such as compassion, kindness, lowliness, long suffering, forgiving one another, and love above all else. Interestingly, the same qualities are
implied in the definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8. When couples
practice these qualities to one another the will bond so strongly that nothing
from outside is strong enough to break
their marriage.
God designed marriage to be enjoyed and to
last. He therefore chose the strongest form of agreement called a
covenant to be the basis for marriage. Marriage is a covenant relationship entered into, before God and man, by two imperfect
people, a man and a woman, who love one another in accordance to God’s design (Gen
2:20-25; Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter
3:1-7).
Love is the
foundation of marriage, communication is the superstructure (walls) and trust
is the roof.
KEYS
-
Trust
is built over time but can be destroyed in a moment.
-
Love each other unconditionally. Not
performance based. Don’t compare your spouse with other people.
-
Be
willing to consider the other’s views. It is now ‘we’ not ‘I’.
-
Be
willing to learn and to seek solutions where there are challenges you are
failing to overcome
-
Don’t take each other for granted. Continue what you did in
courtship to win your spouse.
-
Place high value on each other,
appreciate and be thankful. Believe in each other.
-
You
are not captives of each other but there to give each other freedom to become
all that God wants you to be. Look to draw out the best and the potential in
one another. Focus on positives. Look for things to praise. Often say I love
you. Affirm one another.
-
Avoid
winning an argument and losing the relationship.
-
A healthy marriage relationship is
the greatest gift parents can give to their children
-
Recognise and appreciate gender,
personality and other differences. Difference is the beginning of synergy. Use the strengths that you
share to overcome gaps from your difference
-
Pray, plan and play together
-
Evaluate how well you are doing and
keep improving where you are week. Be realistic, there is no perfect
spouse/marriage.
-
Areas of marital problems are –
Gender difference, Sexual intimacy, Money, Outsiders, Poor communication,
spouse roles
-
In laws are a God given resource. In laws are not outlaws
-
Honoring parents brings God’s finest
blessings.
-
BACKGROUNDS
Be a student of your spouse and leave him/her
better than when you begun with them. Your marriage is often influenced by experiences and
unresolved issues from your past. For example the home and culture you were
raised does more influence than is often given credit. Be students of each
other’s background to understand each other better. What was the family life,
training and values that influenced the other. Who are the most important
people to the other. What shaped their practices and preferences. What experiences affected them most.
FOUNDATIONS
Talk, think and act the reasons why your
marriage will be a success. Some later were tempted to
ask ‘Why did I marry this person?’
-
List
ten reasons why you married this man?
-
List
ten reasons why you married this woman?
Keep and read
them at anniversaries and add reasons as they come. Eliminate reasons that are
not helpful such as the selfish ones. An unconditional commitment to and
acceptance of and by an imperfect person.
ONENESS AND AGREEMENT Amos 3:3
Shared lives on
issues such as life goals, family size, possessions, definition and purpose of
marriage (Genesis 2:20-25; 1:26, 27; Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7; 1
Corinthians 7;3-5,10-13,26-28; 11:3).
What are your
goals for your marriage? Are they different from your partners? Discuss.
ACCOUNTABILITY
Describe a
married couple you know with a relationship that is exemplary to both of you.
As a couple it
is wise to walk in accountability to such a couple (s) that you respect and
trust. Give them freedom to speak to your marriage. Without accountability
discipline to do the right things is impossible.
INFATUATION OR LOVE?
Be
aware that often marriages
begin from ‘fantasy’ and to honey moon to crisis of expectation, and with
better knowledge of each other, move to reality then to commitment and
strength.
Love is a
commitment decision not a feeling.
Infatuation contrasted with Love (1 Corinthians 13):
o
Infatuation
starts with sexual/physical/romantic attraction. Love with starts with
attraction to character.
o
Infatuation
starts with heat and grows dim with time. Love starts with heart and grows
warmer over time
o
Infatuation
seeks quick personal satisfaction. Love seeks to serve the other.
o
Infatuation
breeds jealous and possessiveness. Love trusts and gives room for the other to grow.
o
Infatuation
manipulates. Love ministers.
o
Infatuation
fears dissent and encourages hypocrisy. Love explores and reveals.
o
Infatuation
is temporary. Love is eternal.
ACCESS principle helps to cultivate
and sustain friendly relationships.
o
A
– Acquaintance (shared time),
o
C
- Commitment to other’s welfare (love),
o
C
- Care for each other
o
E
– Equality, encourage and enjoy each other
o
S
- Share with each other
o
S
- Show considerateness/sensitivity.
COMMUNICATION
Communication
plays a pivotal role in marriage
Most important
element in communication is listening.
If all three
match, you will be trusted and believed.
SEXUAL INTIMACY
Sexual intimacy
is a blessing, a gift, something beautiful to be shared within the confines of
marriage. God makes beautiful things.
Men and Women respond differently. Men are like a microwave. Women are like a Crock pot. I recommend the book – THE ACT OF MARRIAGE:
The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly Lahaye
May you discover
all the fulfillment a marriage should bring. Mutual love and friendship are the
foundation of strong marriages. There is no investment, in this life,
that yields greater dividends than that of meeting the needs of your spouse.
Additional
i.
Stop cutting down – start building up vs. 29. Proverbs
12:18. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Feelings that the other does not understand you,
does not do what you want, does not meet your selfish needs lead to destructive
communication or unwholesome talk of criticism, condemnation, sarcasm, blame
shifting, anger, unfairly comparing them with others, developing revengeful
attitudes. They come out in words like:
a.
You
never….
b. You always….
c.
If
only you would….
d. Why can’t you be like ….
e.
How
can you be so stupid…..
f.
Why
did I ever marry you…..
g. You will never understand…..
h. You are just like your mother/father.
Instead build each other ---Ephesians 5:25-28
- Expressions that must be communicated often.
|
I am sorry
I was wrong/I am wrong
You were/are right
Excuse me
Please
I love/like you
I love/like you too
I still love you
Please forgive me
Here is a verse that blessed me today
You are right
What do you think
May you…
|
I forgive you
Don’t worry
I appreciate
You are the only one
You are the best
You are special
You are beautiful
You are wonderful
I am glad I am married to you
I am proud
of you. You did very well
Let us pray
about it
We… , Our…
|
Let us thank
God
I understand
I also make
mistakes
I need you
I am missing
you
I look
forward to coming home
Thank you
for…
Everything
will be alright
Be encouraged
You can do
it
Don’t give
up
We will make it through all this
That’s a great idea
|
Dr. Willard Harley, in ‘His Needs/Her Needs’
identifies 5 major needs
|
Women
|
Men
|
|
*Affection – feeling truly prized, loved, cherished.
Conversation
Honesty and
openness
Financial
support
Family
commitment
|
*Sexual expression/fulfilment and respect
Recreational
companionship
An
attractive spouse
Domestic
support
Admiration
|
* Key Needs
Gender Difference (Campus Crusade For Christ)
|
|
Men
|
Women
|
|
Orientation
|
Physical
Compartmentalised
Physical
oneness
Variety
Sex is high
priority
|
Relational
Wholistic
Emotional
oneness
Security
Other
priorities may be higher than sex
|
|
Stimulation
|
Sight
Scent
Body centred
|
Touch
Attitudes
Actions
Words
Person
Centered
|
|
Needs
|
Respect
Admiration
Physically
needed
Not to be
put down
|
Understanding
Love
Emotionally
needed
Time
|
|
Sexual Response
|
Acyclical-
any time place
Quick
excitement 2-3 min
Initiates
(usually)
Difficult to
distract
|
Cyclical
Slow
excitement
Responder
(usually)
Easily
distracted
|
|
Orgasm
|
Propagation
of species,
Shorter,
more intense, Physically oriented,
Usually
needed for satisfaction
|
Propagation
of oneness
Longer, more
in depth
Emotionally
oriented,
Satisfaction
possible without orgasm
|
