Lasting and Enjoyable Marriage

Lasting and Enjoyable Marriage

Bible reading - Colossians 3.12-19  

Put on therefore, as God’s elect, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving each other, if any man have a complaint against any; even as the Lord forgave you, so also do ye: And above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to the which also ye were called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns And whatsoever ye do, in word or in deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit  to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

The bible reading highlights general qualities that are necessary for sound and lasting relationships. The last two verses exhort wives to submit to their husbands as loving helpers and husbands to love their wives as the team leaders in the marriage relationship. However  it is important to view the two injunctions in the context of the whole passage. The passage encourages godliness in marriage. It includes the need for qualities needed in both parties such as compassion, kindness, lowliness, long suffering, forgiving one another, and love above all else.   Interestingly, the same qualities are implied in the definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8.  When couples practice these qualities to one another the will bond so strongly that nothing from  outside is strong enough to break their marriage.

God designed marriage to be enjoyed and to  last. He therefore chose the strongest form of agreement called a covenant to be the basis for marriage.  Marriage is a covenant  relationship entered into, before God and man, by two imperfect people, a man and a woman,  who love one another in accordance to God’s design (Gen 2:20-25;  Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7).

Love is the foundation of marriage, communication is the superstructure (walls) and trust is the roof.

KEYS

-          Trust is built over time but can be destroyed in a moment.

-          Love each other unconditionally. Not performance based. Don’t compare your spouse with other people.

-          Be willing to consider the other’s views. It is now ‘we’ not ‘I’.

-          Be willing to learn and to seek solutions where there are challenges you are failing to overcome

-          Don’t take each other for granted. Continue what you did in courtship to win your spouse.

-          Place high value on each other, appreciate and be thankful. Believe in each other.

-          You are not captives of each other but there to give each other freedom to become all that God wants you to be. Look to draw out the best and the potential in one another. Focus on positives. Look for things to praise. Often say I love you.  Affirm one another.

-          Avoid winning an argument and losing the relationship.

-          A healthy marriage relationship is the greatest gift parents can give to their children

-          Recognise and appreciate gender, personality and other differences. Difference is the beginning of synergy. Use the strengths that you share to overcome gaps from your difference

-          Pray, plan and play together

-          Evaluate how well you are doing and keep improving where you are week. Be realistic, there is no perfect spouse/marriage.

-          Areas of marital problems are – Gender difference, Sexual intimacy, Money, Outsiders, Poor communication, spouse roles

-          In laws are a God given resource. In laws are not  outlaws

-          Honoring parents brings God’s finest blessings.

-           

BACKGROUNDS

Be a student of your spouse and leave him/her better than when you begun with them. Your marriage is often influenced by experiences and unresolved issues from your past. For example the home and culture you were raised does more influence than is often given credit. Be students of each other’s background to understand each other better. What was the family life, training and values that influenced the other. Who are the most important people to the other. What shaped their practices and preferences.  What experiences affected them most.

FOUNDATIONS

Talk, think and act the reasons why your marriage will be a success. Some later were  tempted to ask ‘Why did I marry this person?’

-          List ten reasons why you married this man?

-          List ten reasons why you married this woman?

Keep and read them at anniversaries and add reasons as they come. Eliminate reasons that are not helpful such as the selfish ones. An unconditional commitment to and acceptance of and by an imperfect person.

ONENESS AND AGREEMENT Amos 3:3

Shared lives on issues such as life goals, family size, possessions, definition and purpose of marriage (Genesis 2:20-25; 1:26, 27; Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7; 1 Corinthians 7;3-5,10-13,26-28; 11:3).

What are your goals for your marriage? Are they different from your partners? Discuss.

ACCOUNTABILITY

Describe a married couple you know with a relationship that is exemplary to both of you.

As a couple it is wise to walk in accountability to such a couple (s) that you respect and trust. Give them freedom to speak to your marriage. Without accountability discipline to do the right things is impossible.

INFATUATION OR LOVE?

Be aware that often marriages begin from ‘fantasy’ and to honey moon to crisis of expectation, and with better knowledge of each other, move to reality then to commitment and strength.

Love is a commitment decision not a feeling.

Infatuation contrasted with Love (1 Corinthians 13):

o        Infatuation starts with sexual/physical/romantic attraction. Love with starts with attraction to character.

o        Infatuation starts with heat and grows dim with time. Love starts with heart and grows warmer over time

o        Infatuation seeks quick personal satisfaction. Love seeks to serve the other.

o        Infatuation breeds jealous and possessiveness. Love trusts and  gives room for the other to grow.

o        Infatuation manipulates. Love ministers.

o        Infatuation fears dissent and encourages hypocrisy. Love explores and reveals.

o        Infatuation is temporary. Love is eternal.

ACCESS principle helps to cultivate and sustain friendly relationships.

o        A – Acquaintance (shared time),

o        C - Commitment to other’s welfare (love),

o        C - Care for each other

o        E – Equality, encourage and enjoy each other

o        S - Share with each other

o        S - Show considerateness/sensitivity. 

COMMUNICATION

Communication plays a pivotal role in marriage

Most important element in communication is listening.

If all three match, you will be trusted and believed.

SEXUAL INTIMACY

Sexual intimacy is a blessing, a gift, something beautiful to be shared within the confines of marriage. God makes beautiful things.  Men and Women respond differently. Men are like  a microwave. Women are like a Crock pot.   I recommend the book – THE ACT OF MARRIAGE: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly Lahaye

May you discover all the fulfillment a marriage should bring. Mutual love and friendship are the foundation of strong marriages. There is no investment, in this life, that yields greater dividends than that of meeting the needs of your spouse.

Additional

i.                     Stop cutting down – start building up vs. 29. Proverbs 12:18. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Feelings that the other does not understand you, does not do what you want, does not meet your selfish needs lead to destructive communication or unwholesome talk of criticism, condemnation, sarcasm, blame shifting, anger, unfairly comparing them with others, developing revengeful attitudes. They come out in words like:

a.        You never….

b.       You always….

c.        If only you would….

d.       Why can’t you be like ….

e.        How can you be so stupid…..

f.        Why did I ever marry you…..

g.       You will never understand…..

h.       You are just like your mother/father.

Instead build each other ---Ephesians 5:25-28 

1. Expressions that must be communicated often.

I am sorry I was wrong/I am wrong You were/are right Excuse me Please I love/like you I love/like you too I still love you Please forgive me Here is a verse that blessed me today You are right What do you think May you…

I forgive you Don’t worry I appreciate You are the only one You are the best You are special You are beautiful You are wonderful I am glad I am married to you I am proud of you. You did very well Let us pray about it We… , Our…

Let us thank God I understand I also make mistakes I need you I am missing you I look forward to coming home Thank you for… Everything will be alright Be encouraged You can do it Don’t give up We will make it through all this That’s a great idea

Dr. Willard Harley, in ‘His Needs/Her Needs’ identifies 5 major needs

Women	Men
*Affection – feeling truly prized, loved, cherished. Conversation Honesty and openness Financial support Family commitment	*Sexual expression/fulfilment and respect Recreational companionship An attractive spouse Domestic support Admiration

* Key Needs

Gender Difference (Campus Crusade For Christ)

	Men	Women
Orientation	Physical Compartmentalised Physical oneness Variety Sex is high priority	Relational Wholistic Emotional oneness Security Other priorities may be higher than sex
Stimulation	Sight Scent Body centred	Touch Attitudes Actions Words Person Centered
Needs	Respect Admiration Physically needed Not to be put down	Understanding Love Emotionally needed Time
Sexual Response	Acyclical- any time place Quick excitement 2-3 min Initiates (usually) Difficult to distract	Cyclical Slow excitement Responder (usually) Easily distracted
Orgasm	Propagation of species, Shorter, more intense, Physically oriented, Usually needed for satisfaction	Propagation of oneness Longer, more in depth Emotionally oriented, Satisfaction possible without orgasm

Making it Work as it Should

MAKING IT WORK AS IT SHOULD

By Dr. Kurai Chitima

From 30 years of ministry and marital counselling, I have reached the conclusion that both men and women are responsible for all the problems the world is facing.  Whether they be marital or other problems in society. The bark however has to stop with men because they dominate in leadership roles. High marriage failures points to the quality of male leadership in the homes.  Unfaithfulness, neglect and irresponsibility is rampant. Many godly submissive wives are abused, and neglected to, in the end, be abandoned to raise children on their own. These wives ravaged and devastated spiritually, emotionally and physically. Many are forced to endure the marriage relationship for  the sake of children or what people may say.  While some are left with doubts about the goodness of God.  Yet God’s design of marriage is that the husband and the wife are one flesh and should enjoy their relationship to His glory.  If one-flesh, therefore a person who abuses his/her spouse has a suicide bomber syndrome. Such a person also violates the law of marriage – ‘husband love your wife, wife submit to your husband’ and Gods first command – ‘love God with all your heart, mind, strength and love your neighbor as yourself.’ - Mathew 22:36-39.   After loving God no one is a nearer neighbor that a spouse. 

Husbands must make the first move to love their wives as Christ made the first move for the church. Jesus played his part first as head of the church and of the man.  They must love their wives not for what they will get from them but, selflessly, for whom they are and what is best for them. Adam saw Eve as worthy to be loved – ‘bone if my bone’. They must make the choice and commitment to love their wives to fulfill righteousness by obeying the command to ‘love your wife as Christ loved the Church’.  When a husband takes the first move to create an environment for fulfilling Gods purpose and complying with Gods design and one of commitment, care, trust, respect, love and security, it becomes much easier for a wife to submit. That is exactly what God had in mind. I have also learnt that leading an organisation is different from leading a spouse and children. In the later one primarily leads by love and example only not by rank and domination.

Man and Women jointly exercise dominion over God’s creation. By ordering their relationships particularly in marriage according to God’s plan they gain dominion over all else. ‘And God said, let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, etc’ – Genesis 1:26. Both share in the mission from God and together they complete the image of God. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.’  - Genesis 1:27. Both were in God’s original plan. None was an after thought. That is why when Eve was made God did not need to make modifications on Adam. Adam was already made/designed for the woman. He simply discovered himself.  Both were made for each other and marriage was instituted for  both. Marriage is for both the man and the woman. Without the other marriage cannot exist. Without each playing their part marriage cannot reach its potential and can't be functional. ‘Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it fits in the Lord Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.’  Before the wife is instructed to submit both as Christians are instructed to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21) and to pursue godliness (Colossians 3:1-18). Before husbands are instructed to love their wives both, as Christians, are instructed to love one another.

A couple must take their rightful positions of leader and helper unto the Lord and under God. The wife as a helper and follower only follows as the husband follows Christ. Whether the husband is a Christian or a non-Christian one follows on things that do not violate the word of God. A husband who pushes their wife to violate God’s word is not under Christ and loses legitimacy to exercise authority over the wife on the issue. The wife with wisdom and respect has to say no. Doing so is not insubordination because submission s first to God. The wife instead falls on God’s authority. Both are to personally fear God and obey his word. Both submit to God and must therefore look and fix eyes on Christ first.  Fix eyes on Christ and only follow as the other follows Christ. Keeping eyes on Jesus gives the inspiration and strength to submit and love. Both should be looking to God and not over dependent on the other. Both are only dependent to the other under God. So that even if the other was not there the one can continue life under God. Each person in marriage has a personal relationship with Christ. Each will also account for their life before God personally. There will be no room to blame one’s spouse.  Jesus is the only mediator between a believer and God.  Having submitted to God first the wife in submission to God submits to her husband for divine order. Anything with two or more heads is a monster. God in his wisdom designed each gender for its role.

QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Is leading in marriage unique?

YES. Marital leadership is at a higher level than servant master relationship, higher than leading a corporate organisation and higher than the military command relationship.

What is submission?

It is respectfully letting another lead you and support them under God to achieve God’s order in line with God given gender differences and unique gifts to fulfill your shared God given purpose.

Does this mean a wife has no personal Dreams?

NO. It means she has personal dreams that fit into/align with and support the dreams of the husband. This should be established before getting into marriage (Amos 3:3).

Is  being a helper inferior?

No. Its being righteous. Its being powerful because you are most powerful in your rightful position. The  Holy Spirit is our helper but is not a weakling. You ignore the Holy Spirit to your disadvantage. Similarly a man who ignores their wife does so at his loss.

Is it easy?

Both submitting and loving as Christ are not easy. Couples need to depend on God by spiritual nurturing so that they experience God’s ability more. Also remember its warfare. The enemy will do everything possible to make spouses ineffective in life by attacking their home base because if things are not well at home they tend to be unwell everywhere else.

When not to submit?

Always have a submissive attitude. The inner godliness must show. Whatever to you say even a no… do so with humility, respect and love. Ask God for wisdom to say no and to negotiate. This can be when:

-       a situation is life threatening e.g. extreme abuse

-       when pushed to do something clearly in violation of God’s word

-       the man is mentally disabled

What if he insists?

1)      As much as possible keep doing the right thing in all areas not violating the word of God. That gives you high ground before God.  It also paints a pattern of behavior your spouse will respect. You will not be judged by one act of non compliance but by how you generally treat your spouse.

2)      Then pray and see what God will do. God hears you when you pray from position of obedience rather than allowing another’s wrong to make you retaliate and roll your ground before God away.

3)      Seek Godly counsel if necessary. Not always easy to find impartial counsel because often the woman tends to be blamed. I am of the view both parties have the responsibility to solve the problem and the leader should lead the way in finding solutions

4)      Seek to win your marriage and not an argument. Be respectful and let the other know in advance that you are considering counsel. Doing it behind their back can damage trust.  In fact, very early in the marriage relationship or even before marriage agree on who can speak into your marriage. who can hold each of you accountable to do what you agree on. The husband should have a pastor or mentor to whom you agree early before there is a problem that the wife can appeal when necessary.  Develop a social support network. However generally avoid bringing in third parties until really necessary. A third part may complicate the situation.

5)      See K. Chitima notes on conflict resolution.

Is Church leadership spared from marital problems?

Regrettably, the marriages of church leaders, regardless of title, have not been spared. Church leaders have failed to balance life roles. In the public platforms of ministry and profession, they are powerful but in their marriages and parenting, they are a disaster. Sacrificing marriages on the altar of ministry and professions is not the design of God.