http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ GARY CHAPMAN
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Communication Perspectives in Marriage II
Listening and Hearing
Spouses need to remember that people hear in three ways, by the ears, by the
eyes and by the heart.
1) Hearing with ears.
Ears pick communication coming from WORDS. The choice of words, attitude and
tone of voice influences what one hears. To be able to hear words well one has
to learn to listen. Listening is at the heart of effective communication. To be
able to listen well and show that you are listening you have to pay attention. For
example, when your spouse is speaking and you walk away or keep watching a
football match on TV you communicate that you do not take them seriously and do
not value what they are saying. Good communication demands that you learn to
listen and to pay attention. Paying attention is to leave everything else and
focus your mind to hear what your spouse has to say.
Admittedly, there are
times you may have to speak to your spouse while they are doing something else,
e.g. a wife while she is cooking she can be listening to her husband. Generally,
women are better at this sort of multi-tasking than men are. Our house has an
open passage connecting the kitchen and the lounge. When I sit in the lounge
watching TV, I hardly hear conversations in the kitchen. However, if in my
conversation in the lounge I talk about something relevant to my wife I am
surprised to hear her shout a fitting comment from the kitchen.
2) Hearing with eyes.
Eyes pick communication from ACTIONS. This avenue includes facial expressions,
eye contact, silent treatment, and other body language. It contributes about
60% of all that is communicated. In a
way, eyes are the most significant ‘hearing’ organ yet the least considered to
the detriment of the marriage relationship. Non-verbal form of communication
takes away or gives credence to the words one has to say. The more the behaviors
align with the words you say the more they are easy to believe. When you say
you love someone and show by giving gifts, spending time with, affectionately
touching and helping out as needed the love you profess becomes tangible.
3) Hearing with the heart. The receiver’s heart discerns the ATTITUDES. This avenue includes ability to pick messages from the communicator’s feelings and touch. Non sexually motivated touch can assure of affection and compassion. One’s feelings reach to the feelings of the other. The receiving spouse can feel loved or unloved, cared for or uncared for, accepted or rejected, valued or despised, and respected or abused. In addition, the signal through the vocal and visual means evoke certain emotions in the receiver. Think therefore about how your overall conduct affects your spouse emotionally. The life of God in you also helps you to Growing in godliness improves spiritual ability to discern motives and other salient signals[1].
Words, actions and
attitudes start a relationship play a vital part in building it up.
Communication Perspectives in Marriage I
Thinking Outcomes
By Kurai and Lena Chitima
Communication in marriage is the way a couple make their feelings and thoughts known to each other. It is a way they find commonness with each other. The measure of overall effectiveness of communication in marriage is the effect it has on the marriage. All communication is for a purpose. If it results in unintended consequences or reactions, communication has failed. The same applies to marriage. The couple needs to establish a shared purpose for communication in their marriage. They must agree on what their communication is supposed to achieve. The aim of communication in healthy marriages is to build[1] and preserve enjoyable marriage by sharing love[2]. Each seeks to win the other as opposed to winning an argument or merely passing information. Good communication builds oneness. What matters are not just the technicalities of communication but its outcomes? The feedback from the other person and the impact a communication had on the marriage confirms its effectiveness. When communication results in marriage failure, it has failed.
Think about the likely
effect of your communication before you speak. Let your communication result in
outcomes you intend. Be slow to speak and quick to hear. Seek to understand the
other person and anticipate their response. Words once spoken, as water from a
spring cannot be taken back. Even when you could argue that, you simply told the
facts. It is not the veracity but the wisdom of words that carries the day.
Communication can build or
destroy the married and their marriage. Your spouse becomes what you say to
them, that is how important communication is. Like with seeds, sow what you
want to reap. For example, focusing on mentioning failures produces more
failures. Focusing on strengths encourages the strengths. Symptoms of
communication break down include mistrust, defensiveness, unresolved conflict, being
judgmental of each other.
Learning how to
communicate effectively, in a manner that strengthens your marriage is not easy
but is necessary to a functional and enjoyable marriage.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
The Beauty of Boundaries in Marriage
By
Kurai and Lena Chitima
People pack stadiums to enjoy
soccer because of well-defined boundaries for people present. Such is the
beauty of boundaries. The players on the field comply with certain rules. The spectators
on the terraces will not stampede from the terraces or suddenly raid the pitch.
The officials presiding over the match rely on certain boundaries for enforcing
order. Suspense and excitement grips the stadium as everyone discovers how
teams out play each other within boundaries of the game. Setting boundaries is
the next priority in any responsibility after setting objectives. Boundaries
mark the extent of rights and privileges. They mark the beginning and end of
something. They mark what is yours and what is not. What is right and what is
not? Before you embark on an assignment, you want its reference terms and
provisions. To cultivate a farm or embark on a building project, you want the
site plan. Imagine the bewildering
nature of a world without boundaries.
Non-existent or blurred boundaries lead to power conflict and chaos.
Setting and respecting boundaries
is also vital to lasting marriages[1].
Mutual trust and respect give meaning to boundaries. Marriage gives freedom and
privileges exclusive to the marriage relationship. If you wish your boundaries to be respected
you must respect those of others. Whenever you violate your boundaries, you
violate another person’s and put to risk what is within your boundary. Your
actions have consequences to you, to your spouse, children and the community.
Boundaries define limits of
freedom. In other words they give freedom. Respect of limits is the basis on which society functions normally. Even
God has limits, which He set for himself [2]
that help us to relate with him. For
example, we know he is light and love so we can be attracted to Him. The
ability to set and enforce one’s limits reflects the power one has. The more self-regulating you are the more
powerful. Spouses that exercise inner self restrain to stay faithful to each
other make powerful marriages. Once the marriage boundaries are set, protect
them and control what you let in to the marriage. Identity, values and purpose
determine moral boundaries. Who you are
determines what you do. When you are the righteousness of Christ[3]
certain things become unfitting.
How to keep fidelity
boundaries – LINK: http://personalmasterydm.blogspot.com/2012/10/keeping-fidelity-boundaries.html
Keeping Fidelity Boundaries in Marriage
By Kurai and Lena
Chitima
Marriage fidelity boundaries are
easier to keep when you make them hard to violate. You can:
- REJECT the lie that everyone
else is involved in sexual activity outside marriage. You are not alone[1].
- RELATE well with your spouse.
Define and communicate the values with your spouse[2]
. Monitor and evaluate your progress and
make positive adjustments. Focus on making the most of the freedoms you have as
opposed to the censures.
- REVERSE peer pressure. Be a trendsetter by taking your
values to your peers.
- RESPECT yourself and others. Make
a personal commitment to your values[3]
to care and respect your spouse and people affected by your choices.
- REMEMBER who you are[4].
It is not true that you cannot help it. Develop the courage to say ‘no’ as
appropriate[5].
- RESTRAIN your desires by wisdom[6]
and bring sexual passions under control. Set boundaries for yourself.
o
Avoid things/situations that expose you to
temptation or entrapment. Some bad influence that comes into the marriage enters through
exposure, listening, reading, watching and association. Set godly boundaries
for yourself[7].
o
Understand gender differences and effect.
Getting too emotionally and physically close to someone of the opposite sex has
implications.
o
Develop social networks that influence you
positively. Bad company corrupts good morals.
o
Have life shared goals passionately pursue with
your spouse. Without vision, you lack restrain.
o
Do not trust yourself[8].
Let him who thinks he stands take hid lest he falls.
o
Have godly people close to you who can hold you
accountable to keep your boundaries. Receive godly advice from parents and
mentors. Without accountability, there is no discipline.
o
Think consequences. Note the positive
consequences of keeping and the negative consequences of violating boundaries. There
are eternal as well as earthly consequences for sexual misconduct. It is a
major derailer of personal dreams and contributions to society. It also is a
source of mistrust and other marital problems in future. It hinders ability to
walk in the fullness of God’s love and purpose.
-
REFUSE to be conformed to unbiblical patterns. Grow
in your knowledge and awareness of God. Be richly indwelt by the word of God[9].
The word builds your faith and spiritual strength to overcome. Be quick to turn
from tempting thoughts before they develop roots and germinate as sinful
behavior. Trust God’s intentions[10].
The factors that influence
ability to respect one's own marital boundaries or not can be pull/external and
push/internal. Generally, it is
impossible for a well-founded marriage to be shaken by external factors therefore push factors need
closer attention. External factors only expose weaknesses that already
existed in the marriage relationship. Findings from a discussion on pull
and push factors at a marriage seminar provide examples:
Push factors
|
Pull factors
|
Weak marriage foundation
Depriving each other of
something, e.g. respect, love, sexual fulfillment, money.
Lack of making time for each
other
Unwillingness to seek help
Career and financial pressures
Poor communication
|
Outside people who are happy,
and ready to provide what you are
lacking in your marriage
Influence of friends,
colleagues and in laws
Cultural pressures, eg, Permissive
culture, media, role models, and art trends
Fashions that display cleavage
and torso
|
[1]
1 Kings 19:10, 18
[2]
Amos 3:3
[3]
Job 31:1
[4]
www.spform.blogspot.com/2012/10/who-am-i-new-identity-in-christ.html
[5]
Romans 6:11, Titus 2:11-12; 2 Corinthians 5: 10, 17
[6]
James 1:5, Proverbs 1; 2:10-22
[7]
Genesis 39:12, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 1 Timothy 6:11; 2 Timothy 2:22
[8]
Galatians 6:1-2
[9]
Romans 12:1-2; Colossians 3:16; Matthew 4:4
[10]
Jeremiah 29:1
Monday, 22 October 2012
Maintaining Freshness in Marriage
Maintaining Freshness in Marriage
By Kurai and
Lena Chitima
How do you
keep your heart beating a 'little faster' than usual for your spouse? A story is
told of a priest who saw a man crying bitterly next to a grave. On listening carefully,
the priest discovered the man kept repeating, ‘Why did you leave us so soon!’ Out of concern, the priest asked who it was
that had died. ‘My wife’s first husband’, was the reply. While many wish they were married, paradoxically,
many wish they had not married. The assumption that spouses are happily and
fondly affectionate can be wrong. The man at the graveside was regretting why
he got married. You can be sure this man
had not always felt that way. At one time, he delighted in seeing and being
with his wife. Then he was blind to everyone
else of the opposite sex, but now he only sees everyone else. The couple lived
in each other’s loving arms, but now they give their backs to each other.
For the fire
to go out, all you need to do is do nothing. To ignite and keep a fire burning, you
have to do something. You create a fireplace. You bring the firewood. You get the firelighter. You arrange the wood and light the fire. You attend to the
fire. You fan, rearrange, or add wood as necessary. For fire to keep burning, there must be a free flow of air that supplies the oxygen. Sometimes you may need
to push the pieces of wood close to each other. In marriage, you may need to
get closer to your spouse for the fire to burn. You remove ashes of suspicions,
unforgiveness, ill feelings, negative thoughts/attitudes that slowly kill the
fire. Spouses inevitably disagree and sometimes sharply or even hurt each
other. Someone comes late to pick you up. Someone forgets your birthday, etc. However,
the fire will keep burning if you allow the air of grace, keeping short
accounts, to flow freely, along with encouragement, humor, and room for mistakes and gender differences.
Communication
is vital to maintaining fresh fire. Fan the relationship into flame with frequent words and attitudes that affirm love, trust, and value. Here are more suggestions on how to maintain
fresh fire in your marriage relationship[1].
Do
not be overly serious.
Do not always take the worst
interpretation of what the other says. In a burst of emotion, a wife said, ‘I
will go to my parents’. That brought a tsunami into the marriage because the
husband insisted that she carry out what she said. He said something like,
‘You said it, so I say go now. ’ She explained that she was only trying to
express that what had happened had badly affected her. He, however, picked the
worst interpretation. You have to learn to forgive each other and move on. The injunction not to let the sun go down in
your anger does not mean finish him/her off before sunset.
Some are even ‘so serious’ that they cannot
give any gifts until they can afford the best they imagine. What you give is, after all, a token to express the immeasurable love you have. The gift takes the
size of the love. Do not wait to provide a
jet in heaven.
Be generous with laughter. Even the serious people with little allowance
for fun can stretch themselves a little more and see the magic.
Break
monotony
The same thing done the same way all the
time can become boring. Doing and saying a thing differently has a way of giving newness and an element of pleasant surprise. You could vary how you address
each other. You can also vary appearance, menu, places, positions, and times. Adopt
a learning attitude with your spouse.
Be
realistic
Much influence has come from some
fiction or ideal that you read in a book, heard from somewhere, saw in a movie,
etc. You cannot expect perfection because you are not perfect. Your
relationship will be human-tinted because you both bring with you humanity’s
gems and germs. The fire will go out very fast if you do not allow for each other’s differences, mistakes, and shortcomings. Work together to manage the situation, and for what you cannot change, you
may have to change. Realistically, there are times the other is tired or not
well enough to do what you expect. They will not always be wearing or looking
their best. Watch out for little nothings that threaten to become big
somethings suddenly.
Make
the time
Time is an inevitable ingredient of
healthy growing relationships. Making quality time for each other in marriage is
a topmost challenge in the 21st Century. It is not easy to find holiday
and family time, because TVs, laptops, and other electronic gadgets have taken
it away. In many cases, both spouses are going out to earn money and become too
busy to find quality time for each other. As a result, many when the nest becomes
empty, and they have retired, do not know what to do with each other. The
solution to the time dilemma is to first allocate time to your most important relationship
after God, your relationship with your spouse.
Respond
graciously
Being responsive is keeping an attitude
of not taking the other for granted. Familiarity tends to breed contempt. Some
have become warm with everyone else and cold with their spouse. They are no
longer careful to be kind and gentle with each other. They no longer take care to be attractive and winsome to the other. They no longer accept a mere ‘I am sorry,’ but
now require that the other say it on their knees and in some cultures, even say out
their totem.
Pray together
Moreover, always remember that being madly
in love means maintaining fire for God[2]
and for your spouse. Praying together is an unsung romantic essential tip you need
to apply. Those who pray together stay
together. Marriage is God’s idea, and he gives sufficient grace for his ideas.
Ecclesiastes 9:9 Live happily with the woman you love through the fleeting days of life, for the wife God gives you is your best reward down here for all your earthly toil.
______________________________________________________________________________
Reflection: How is your fire? Do you act like an ideal
couple in public and tear each other’s hearts to shreds in private? If you do,
you are simply setting yourself up because private realities will spill over
into the public before long. Your situation can be different. Go ahead and take action now to maintain or even rekindle the fire in your marriage.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
Marriage on the Rock
Marriage
Built on the Rock
God designed for you to enjoy and not
endure your marriage. An enjoyable and lasting marriage is founded on love,
protected through trust and sustained through verbal and non verbal communication
of thoughts and feelings. Verbal communication contributes only about 7% of
what is conveyed.
An enjoyable and lasting marriage is
founded on the unconditional, selfless and giving love of God (Agape).
The five pillars that hold a marriage can be presented as an acrostic
A.G.A.P.E built around phrases from the conventional marriage vows. They make
the foundation of a strong marriage. One built on a rock and remains firmly
established when floods of life come. Your marriage must be on the Rock instead of on the rocks.
A. Agreement that lasts[1].
‘till death do us part’ (marriage
vows)
- Agree on faith and values. reflect God’s image and model Christ’s relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33)
- Agree on terms of the relationship. For better for worse.
Formalise the agreement. This shows seriousness, and also gives access to
legal provisions. Exchange of pledges and promises..
- Agree on goals/direction/purpose. While travelling together you can disagree on whether coca cola adds more life than cream soda and still reach the same place. However its huge when you disagree about two destinations in opposite directions. How can you remain together in that case. Without mutual goals a marriage drifts and fizzles out .
- Fulfil your purpose as a team for service. To be a blessing to children, church, and community.
- Agree on accountability. Let someone hold you accountable to foster discipline
G. Godliness. ‘according to the law of God’ (marriage vows)
Christian couples
will eliminate 99% of their marital problems if
spouses relate to each other in a godly manner
A. Absolute/Unqualified commitment. ‘for better
for worse.’ (marriage vows)
a.
Commitment that does not depend
on the other but on who you are. All the other kinds of love – Phileo, Eros,
Storge, etc are important to have in a healthy marriage but AGAPE is what will
sustain the relationship.
b.
Commitment as an act of the
will and not just a feeling, looks or benefits.
c.
Commitment and affection that grows
stronger and warmer with time.
P. Place high value on each other. ‘to love and to cherish.’ (marriage vows)
a.
Esteeming the other as a gift
from God that must be treasured.
b.
Stewarding your relationship as a gift for your
children.
c.
Selflessly ministering to the
others needs. Honoring and helping the other to experience their full
potential. Make your goal
to selflessly make the other person happy. Be a student of your spouse to know
their needs. Its frustrating to heartily meet assumed needs that your spouse
does not have. There is no investment, in this life, that yields greater dividends
than that of meeting the needs of your spouse.
d.
Considering and accommodating
the other. asking, ‘What can I do differently for the sake of my spouse’.
E. Enjoy being together. ‘to have and to hold’. (marriage vows)
Enjoy
companionship[5]. Attract and chase after each other even in
marriage. Keep the fire burning. How terrible it is to be alone or lonely yet in marriage. Normal spouses get
worried when either the other is too jealous and when the other is not jealous
at all.
a.
Don’t
be strangers living together and having children.
b.
Playing together - Friendship.
c.
Being together. Enjoy each
other.
d.
Do things together. Laughing
together. Crying together.
e.
Being there for each other. Seeing each other virtually
through Skype is positive but not good enough. It can not substitute flesh and blood.
Real time can not substitute reality
f.
Communication. The key organ is
not the mouth but LISTENING with ears and eyes.
Monday, 15 October 2012
Best Idea for Marriage Life
Best Idea for Marriage Life
By Kurai and Lena Chitima
Marriage
is God’s idea for two people to enjoy marital privileges and responsibilities
in a relationship founded on the strongest form of agreement, based on the
deepest form of love shown by the strongest kind of commitment facilitated by
the most natural complementary qualities. This
ideal is achieved through a covenant relationship entered into by a man and a woman
who love one another. God’s design[1]
for this ideal is loving monogamous and heterosexual exclusive relationships
supported by mutual respect, openness and trust. Relationships of two people safely sharing who they are and what they have in one intimate relationship.
EARNING
Marriage
is designed for people with social and physical maturity (not boys and girls) who
have the means to be self-sustaining. God gave Adam a place, a work/
responsibility, a capacity (land, ability to name, etc) before he gave him a
wife. Failure by two people in marriage
to figure out how they will earn a living is a marital time bomb. At least have a credible plan.
LOVING
Unconditional
love[2]
(Agape) is the foundation to an enjoyable and lasting marriage. Love implies
that spouses enter into marriage willingly. They respect and cherish each other
as gifts from God. God did not force Eve on Adam he simply
presented her and Adam loved her. Love
seeks to make the other person happy and better. Lasting love focuses on giving
and not getting. Love is refined by challenges not broken by them.
LEAVING
Two
people in marriage need to be loving and committed to each other enough to
prefer and prioritise the development of their relationship. Getting married is
a new start that results in social
transformation of all prior
relationships with friends, relatives and even one’s relationship with God[3].
Marriage requires spouses to adjust/leave the life style they had as singles in
order to accommodate their spouse. Marriage is exclusive between the two so
that they can be inclusive in serving others effectively together.
CLEAVING
Marriage
requires mutual choice to hold on/cleave to each other. If you do not leave
completely you can not cleave completely. Without leaving the former order of
life, it is hard to cleave to your spouse. In joining two pieces of wood, it is
critical to clean up the surfaces well before applying the glue. Cleaving is
not a once off act but continuously deliberate action.
FORMALISING
Entering
into a formal covenant affirms commitment and is indispensable for a healthy
marriage. A covenant is the strongest form of agreement two parties can enter
into. It is a relationship where the parties exchange everything for life. This
relationship involves coming out in the open and being joined in a way that
meets reasonable expectations of both spouse families, and with the blessing of
God and the law. Covenants prove strong
unconditional commitment to each other for life by exchanging promises and
obligations. Unlike mere contracts, in
covenants performance of one is not conditioned on performance of the other.
LIVING
Living
together, and spending time in positive communication facilitates oneness in
marriage. Doing things together with complete openness[4] is how marriage is lived. Sexual and emotional intimacies
are vital to a successful marriage but oneness also includes sharing plans, ideas,
affection, friendship, priorities and, generally making decisions together. Strong oneness is not achieved overnight it’s
a process that requires adjustment. Failure to manage adjustment to oneness/sameness- in values, perspectives and
aspirations can shake a marriage. It is
not always an easy process because of differences in backgrounds and expectations.
Often married couples desire oneness but
program their lives against it by not living together, and not deliberately doing
the things that encourage and strengthen oneness.
Discussion
What
things affect oneness/closeness in marriage? How can they be overcome?
We
appreciate receiving your comments below.
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