Making it Work as it Should

MAKING IT WORK AS IT SHOULD

By Dr. Kurai Chitima

From 30 years of ministry and marital counselling, I have reached the conclusion that both men and women are responsible for all the problems the world is facing.  Whether they be marital or other problems in society. The bark however has to stop with men because they dominate in leadership roles. High marriage failures points to the quality of male leadership in the homes.  Unfaithfulness, neglect and irresponsibility is rampant. Many godly submissive wives are abused, and neglected to, in the end, be abandoned to raise children on their own. These wives ravaged and devastated spiritually, emotionally and physically. Many are forced to endure the marriage relationship for  the sake of children or what people may say.  While some are left with doubts about the goodness of God.  Yet God’s design of marriage is that the husband and the wife are one flesh and should enjoy their relationship to His glory.  If one-flesh, therefore a person who abuses his/her spouse has a suicide bomber syndrome. Such a person also violates the law of marriage – ‘husband love your wife, wife submit to your husband’ and Gods first command – ‘love God with all your heart, mind, strength and love your neighbor as yourself.’ - Mathew 22:36-39.   After loving God no one is a nearer neighbor that a spouse. 

Husbands must make the first move to love their wives as Christ made the first move for the church. Jesus played his part first as head of the church and of the man.  They must love their wives not for what they will get from them but, selflessly, for whom they are and what is best for them. Adam saw Eve as worthy to be loved – ‘bone if my bone’. They must make the choice and commitment to love their wives to fulfill righteousness by obeying the command to ‘love your wife as Christ loved the Church’.  When a husband takes the first move to create an environment for fulfilling Gods purpose and complying with Gods design and one of commitment, care, trust, respect, love and security, it becomes much easier for a wife to submit. That is exactly what God had in mind. I have also learnt that leading an organisation is different from leading a spouse and children. In the later one primarily leads by love and example only not by rank and domination.

Man and Women jointly exercise dominion over God’s creation. By ordering their relationships particularly in marriage according to God’s plan they gain dominion over all else. ‘And God said, let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, etc’ – Genesis 1:26. Both share in the mission from God and together they complete the image of God. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.’  - Genesis 1:27. Both were in God’s original plan. None was an after thought. That is why when Eve was made God did not need to make modifications on Adam. Adam was already made/designed for the woman. He simply discovered himself.  Both were made for each other and marriage was instituted for  both. Marriage is for both the man and the woman. Without the other marriage cannot exist. Without each playing their part marriage cannot reach its potential and can't be functional. ‘Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it fits in the Lord Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.’  Before the wife is instructed to submit both as Christians are instructed to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21) and to pursue godliness (Colossians 3:1-18). Before husbands are instructed to love their wives both, as Christians, are instructed to love one another.

A couple must take their rightful positions of leader and helper unto the Lord and under God. The wife as a helper and follower only follows as the husband follows Christ. Whether the husband is a Christian or a non-Christian one follows on things that do not violate the word of God. A husband who pushes their wife to violate God’s word is not under Christ and loses legitimacy to exercise authority over the wife on the issue. The wife with wisdom and respect has to say no. Doing so is not insubordination because submission s first to God. The wife instead falls on God’s authority. Both are to personally fear God and obey his word. Both submit to God and must therefore look and fix eyes on Christ first.  Fix eyes on Christ and only follow as the other follows Christ. Keeping eyes on Jesus gives the inspiration and strength to submit and love. Both should be looking to God and not over dependent on the other. Both are only dependent to the other under God. So that even if the other was not there the one can continue life under God. Each person in marriage has a personal relationship with Christ. Each will also account for their life before God personally. There will be no room to blame one’s spouse.  Jesus is the only mediator between a believer and God.  Having submitted to God first the wife in submission to God submits to her husband for divine order. Anything with two or more heads is a monster. God in his wisdom designed each gender for its role.

QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Is leading in marriage unique?

YES. Marital leadership is at a higher level than servant master relationship, higher than leading a corporate organisation and higher than the military command relationship.

What is submission?

It is respectfully letting another lead you and support them under God to achieve God’s order in line with God given gender differences and unique gifts to fulfill your shared God given purpose.

Does this mean a wife has no personal Dreams?

NO. It means she has personal dreams that fit into/align with and support the dreams of the husband. This should be established before getting into marriage (Amos 3:3).

Is  being a helper inferior?

No. Its being righteous. Its being powerful because you are most powerful in your rightful position. The  Holy Spirit is our helper but is not a weakling. You ignore the Holy Spirit to your disadvantage. Similarly a man who ignores their wife does so at his loss.

Is it easy?

Both submitting and loving as Christ are not easy. Couples need to depend on God by spiritual nurturing so that they experience God’s ability more. Also remember its warfare. The enemy will do everything possible to make spouses ineffective in life by attacking their home base because if things are not well at home they tend to be unwell everywhere else.

When not to submit?

Always have a submissive attitude. The inner godliness must show. Whatever to you say even a no… do so with humility, respect and love. Ask God for wisdom to say no and to negotiate. This can be when:

-       a situation is life threatening e.g. extreme abuse

-       when pushed to do something clearly in violation of God’s word

-       the man is mentally disabled

What if he insists?

1)      As much as possible keep doing the right thing in all areas not violating the word of God. That gives you high ground before God.  It also paints a pattern of behavior your spouse will respect. You will not be judged by one act of non compliance but by how you generally treat your spouse.

2)      Then pray and see what God will do. God hears you when you pray from position of obedience rather than allowing another’s wrong to make you retaliate and roll your ground before God away.

3)      Seek Godly counsel if necessary. Not always easy to find impartial counsel because often the woman tends to be blamed. I am of the view both parties have the responsibility to solve the problem and the leader should lead the way in finding solutions

4)      Seek to win your marriage and not an argument. Be respectful and let the other know in advance that you are considering counsel. Doing it behind their back can damage trust.  In fact, very early in the marriage relationship or even before marriage agree on who can speak into your marriage. who can hold each of you accountable to do what you agree on. The husband should have a pastor or mentor to whom you agree early before there is a problem that the wife can appeal when necessary.  Develop a social support network. However generally avoid bringing in third parties until really necessary. A third part may complicate the situation.

5)      See K. Chitima notes on conflict resolution.

Is Church leadership spared from marital problems?

Regrettably, the marriages of church leaders, regardless of title, have not been spared. Church leaders have failed to balance life roles. In the public platforms of ministry and profession, they are powerful but in their marriages and parenting, they are a disaster. Sacrificing marriages on the altar of ministry and professions is not the design of God.