Lasting and Enjoyable Marriage

Lasting and Enjoyable Marriage

Bible reading - Colossians 3.12-19  

Put on therefore, as God’s elect, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving each other, if any man have a complaint against any; even as the Lord forgave you, so also do ye: And above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to the which also ye were called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns And whatsoever ye do, in word or in deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit  to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

The bible reading highlights general qualities that are necessary for sound and lasting relationships. The last two verses exhort wives to submit to their husbands as loving helpers and husbands to love their wives as the team leaders in the marriage relationship. However  it is important to view the two injunctions in the context of the whole passage. The passage encourages godliness in marriage. It includes the need for qualities needed in both parties such as compassion, kindness, lowliness, long suffering, forgiving one another, and love above all else.   Interestingly, the same qualities are implied in the definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8.  When couples practice these qualities to one another the will bond so strongly that nothing from  outside is strong enough to break their marriage.

God designed marriage to be enjoyed and to  last. He therefore chose the strongest form of agreement called a covenant to be the basis for marriage.  Marriage is a covenant  relationship entered into, before God and man, by two imperfect people, a man and a woman,  who love one another in accordance to God’s design (Gen 2:20-25;  Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7).

Love is the foundation of marriage, communication is the superstructure (walls) and trust is the roof.

KEYS

-          Trust is built over time but can be destroyed in a moment.

-          Love each other unconditionally. Not performance based. Don’t compare your spouse with other people.

-          Be willing to consider the other’s views. It is now ‘we’ not ‘I’.

-          Be willing to learn and to seek solutions where there are challenges you are failing to overcome

-          Don’t take each other for granted. Continue what you did in courtship to win your spouse.

-          Place high value on each other, appreciate and be thankful. Believe in each other.

-          You are not captives of each other but there to give each other freedom to become all that God wants you to be. Look to draw out the best and the potential in one another. Focus on positives. Look for things to praise. Often say I love you.  Affirm one another.

-          Avoid winning an argument and losing the relationship.

-          A healthy marriage relationship is the greatest gift parents can give to their children

-          Recognise and appreciate gender, personality and other differences. Difference is the beginning of synergy. Use the strengths that you share to overcome gaps from your difference

-          Pray, plan and play together

-          Evaluate how well you are doing and keep improving where you are week. Be realistic, there is no perfect spouse/marriage.

-          Areas of marital problems are – Gender difference, Sexual intimacy, Money, Outsiders, Poor communication, spouse roles

-          In laws are a God given resource. In laws are not  outlaws

-          Honoring parents brings God’s finest blessings.

-           

BACKGROUNDS

Be a student of your spouse and leave him/her better than when you begun with them. Your marriage is often influenced by experiences and unresolved issues from your past. For example the home and culture you were raised does more influence than is often given credit. Be students of each other’s background to understand each other better. What was the family life, training and values that influenced the other. Who are the most important people to the other. What shaped their practices and preferences.  What experiences affected them most.

FOUNDATIONS

Talk, think and act the reasons why your marriage will be a success. Some later were  tempted to ask ‘Why did I marry this person?’

-          List ten reasons why you married this man?

-          List ten reasons why you married this woman?

Keep and read them at anniversaries and add reasons as they come. Eliminate reasons that are not helpful such as the selfish ones. An unconditional commitment to and acceptance of and by an imperfect person.

ONENESS AND AGREEMENT Amos 3:3

Shared lives on issues such as life goals, family size, possessions, definition and purpose of marriage (Genesis 2:20-25; 1:26, 27; Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7; 1 Corinthians 7;3-5,10-13,26-28; 11:3).

What are your goals for your marriage? Are they different from your partners? Discuss.

ACCOUNTABILITY

Describe a married couple you know with a relationship that is exemplary to both of you.

As a couple it is wise to walk in accountability to such a couple (s) that you respect and trust. Give them freedom to speak to your marriage. Without accountability discipline to do the right things is impossible.

INFATUATION OR LOVE?

Be aware that often marriages begin from ‘fantasy’ and to honey moon to crisis of expectation, and with better knowledge of each other, move to reality then to commitment and strength.

Love is a commitment decision not a feeling.

Infatuation contrasted with Love (1 Corinthians 13):

o        Infatuation starts with sexual/physical/romantic attraction. Love with starts with attraction to character.

o        Infatuation starts with heat and grows dim with time. Love starts with heart and grows warmer over time

o        Infatuation seeks quick personal satisfaction. Love seeks to serve the other.

o        Infatuation breeds jealous and possessiveness. Love trusts and  gives room for the other to grow.

o        Infatuation manipulates. Love ministers.

o        Infatuation fears dissent and encourages hypocrisy. Love explores and reveals.

o        Infatuation is temporary. Love is eternal.

ACCESS principle helps to cultivate and sustain friendly relationships.

o        A – Acquaintance (shared time),

o        C - Commitment to other’s welfare (love),

o        C - Care for each other

o        E – Equality, encourage and enjoy each other

o        S - Share with each other

o        S - Show considerateness/sensitivity. 

COMMUNICATION

Communication plays a pivotal role in marriage

Most important element in communication is listening.

If all three match, you will be trusted and believed.

SEXUAL INTIMACY

Sexual intimacy is a blessing, a gift, something beautiful to be shared within the confines of marriage. God makes beautiful things.  Men and Women respond differently. Men are like  a microwave. Women are like a Crock pot.   I recommend the book – THE ACT OF MARRIAGE: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly Lahaye

May you discover all the fulfillment a marriage should bring. Mutual love and friendship are the foundation of strong marriages. There is no investment, in this life, that yields greater dividends than that of meeting the needs of your spouse.

Additional

i.                     Stop cutting down – start building up vs. 29. Proverbs 12:18. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Feelings that the other does not understand you, does not do what you want, does not meet your selfish needs lead to destructive communication or unwholesome talk of criticism, condemnation, sarcasm, blame shifting, anger, unfairly comparing them with others, developing revengeful attitudes. They come out in words like:

a.        You never….

b.       You always….

c.        If only you would….

d.       Why can’t you be like ….

e.        How can you be so stupid…..

f.        Why did I ever marry you…..

g.       You will never understand…..

h.       You are just like your mother/father.

Instead build each other ---Ephesians 5:25-28 

1. Expressions that must be communicated often.

I am sorry I was wrong/I am wrong You were/are right Excuse me Please I love/like you I love/like you too I still love you Please forgive me Here is a verse that blessed me today You are right What do you think May you…

I forgive you Don’t worry I appreciate You are the only one You are the best You are special You are beautiful You are wonderful I am glad I am married to you I am proud of you. You did very well Let us pray about it We… , Our…

Let us thank God I understand I also make mistakes I need you I am missing you I look forward to coming home Thank you for… Everything will be alright Be encouraged You can do it Don’t give up We will make it through all this That’s a great idea

Dr. Willard Harley, in ‘His Needs/Her Needs’ identifies 5 major needs

Women	Men
*Affection – feeling truly prized, loved, cherished. Conversation Honesty and openness Financial support Family commitment	*Sexual expression/fulfilment and respect Recreational companionship An attractive spouse Domestic support Admiration

* Key Needs

Gender Difference (Campus Crusade For Christ)

	Men	Women
Orientation	Physical Compartmentalised Physical oneness Variety Sex is high priority	Relational Wholistic Emotional oneness Security Other priorities may be higher than sex
Stimulation	Sight Scent Body centred	Touch Attitudes Actions Words Person Centered
Needs	Respect Admiration Physically needed Not to be put down	Understanding Love Emotionally needed Time
Sexual Response	Acyclical- any time place Quick excitement 2-3 min Initiates (usually) Difficult to distract	Cyclical Slow excitement Responder (usually) Easily distracted
Orgasm	Propagation of species, Shorter, more intense, Physically oriented, Usually needed for satisfaction	Propagation of oneness Longer, more in depth Emotionally oriented, Satisfaction possible without orgasm