Love and Submission in Marriage

Love and Submission in Marriage

Colossians 3:5-19

By Dr.  Kurai Chitima

Increasingly the institution of marriage is shrouded in questions. Not only do people wonder if it really works but many have questioned its very meaning.  However, marriage can still be lasting and enjoyable  if the Bible is accepted to be the manual. If you are trusting on Bible principles. You are in the right direction for all you need to enrich your marriage. If things are not working out. Keep going and learn how to improve application of the principles. Don’t throw away Gods order because you leave yourself with nothing that works. 

In Colossians 3, Paul wrote to all believers about godliness being the foundation of life and marriage. With godliness of the couple,  90% of marital problems are solved. "But now ye also put off all these ; anger , wrath , malice , blasphemy , filthy communication out of your mouth .  Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds ;  Put on  bowels of mercies , kindness , humbleness of mind , meekness , longsuffering ;   Forbearing one another , and forgiving one another ,   And above all these things put on love for one another.  He defines love in 1 Corinthians 13. Ephesians 5:21 adds "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God ."

Having clearly laid a foundation of godliness that includes mutual love and submission, Paul then specifically exhorts wives to submit to their own husbands and husbands to love their wives. In other words if he were to give each spouse one piece of advice he would say wives learn healthy submission and husbands learn unconditional life giving love. I would like to say the two are indispensable ingredients for successful marriage. With godly attitudes and actions of SUBMISSION and LOVE a couple cannot go wrong anywhere, anytime, under any conditions.

1. Submit to your own husbands, it is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18).  Don’t demean him Respectfully help him.

Paul gave a simple but loaded reason - it is fitting in the Lord.  Its in order. Its in place. It's in good taste. It's attractive. It fits your make up and design. Interestingly, he was addressing women who care a lot about ensuring things are matching and fitting particularly dressing. Before you leave home you have to check in the mirror and make adjustments for yourself if everything on you is fitting. Out there very rarely do people tell you the truth. They will laugh behind your back and make you a part of their dinner conversation. Worse you will be left out of relationships and opportunities. Similarly you should  check for yourself in the mirror of the word concerning your marriage relationship and make adjustments.  If you don't very few who notice your unfitting behavior will tell you yet the behaviour/pattern is killing your relationship. Failure to submit still doesn't look good even if the wife brings in more income, has higher social status or bigger physical stature.

The meaning of submission from the bible context is far from making wives inferior. It is far from being objects of abuse and oppression. It is not being like a door mat. It means playing the noble roles of being wise helper and companion in cooperation with their husbands.  Otherwise husband and wives are of equal worth before God. Submission is cooperation in a  romantic relationship.  Paul took the issue from the level of general gender and rights issues level by saying "Submit to your own husbands". The submission of a wife to her own husband is therefore not a gender but a romantic issue. It is the romantic formula that works.

Submission has wisdom. A willingness to be led and to learn from him. It is to be a student of your spouse so you can respond and help in a manner that is mutually effective. It is strategically willingly submitting to one you love and who loves you for endless mutual marital returns and the greater purposes of God.  God is our helper yet he is not inferior to us. Also God the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit are for equal but to achieve their purpose the Son submits to the Father and the Holy Spirit glorifies the Son. They are co equal but still respect and support each other in their roles. 

Adam made some great achievements. He looked after the garden and named the over 17,500 creatures God had made on his own. He was not only smart enough to name them but was able to remember the names. He lacked someone of his kind to celebrate his achievements with. The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” God prescribed companionship and help as cure of alone ness. Adam longed for someone to appreciate, encourage, promote, admire, pray for, advise and respect him.  Someone to make him a hero and achiever. Spouses need to be disturbed when everyone else is seeing and talking about their husbands'/wives' heroisms and they are the only ones seeing differently (PHD syndrome). Adam could not be a hero among animals. To some animals Adam was an outright enemy. To others he had butchered their relatives. They were below him and God was above him. You are only meaningfully a hero among your kind. 

Love your wives. Don’t be bitter towards them (Colossians 3:19).  Don’t wrestle her but nestle her.

Often we do not realize how hard it can be for God to get the cooperation of people. When he called Jonah he had to bring him to line via the fish's belly. Moses had to be persuaded, threatened and assigned Aaron to accompany him. Gideon had a range of reasons and arguments. Paul needed an ambush that left him blind. Christ's return has taken long because God is patient so that people do not perish. It is not surprising therefore that  God made Adam last and caused him to sleep before creating Eve - to avoid arguments (Genesis 2:21-25).  Even though, if God was not all knowing leaving out Adam's input would have been the biggest risk He ever took. I imagine that heaven watched keenly to see what would happen when she would be presented to Adam. Would Adam argue about her features and appearance? Was he to rather prefer one of the animals? Was he to ask for more than one? Was he to ask for a fellow man? The answer was an emphatic no. To God, it turned out to be one of the easiest experiences to get men's cooperation. He did not need to say a word. He simply speechlessly watched a romantic drama. Talk of the origins of poetry (Genesis  2:23), Adam broke into poetry. He chased  after her so passionately that if he had parents he would desert them (Genesis 2:24). He cherished Eve and cleaved to her so that they blended into one flesh.

Eve's cooperation was not an issue when she was loved so much. Who doesn't want to submit to love. LOVE is the bond of perfection (Colossian 3:14). Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends (1 Corithians 13:4-8).  This love is unconditional, selfless and life giving (Ephesians 5:25). Husbands with this kind of life will not find an excuse good enough to be bitter against their wives. Peter also exhorted husbands to honor, respect and understand their wives (1 Peter 3:7).

Marriage commitment will be tested. You therefore want to make sure your marriage is strong enough. When husbands love and cleave to their wives as Adam did, the wives reciprocate and the result is a one flesh covenant relationship under God.  Some are joined as in a chain. When one breaks they break apart. Others are wound together as strands of fibers on a rope. When one breaks the relationship becomes weak and endured instead of being enjoyed. Unlike these types a one flesh is unbreakable because the two are inseparable. You share whatever the other goes through. When one is pained you share the pain.  The couple can only fight together  and will stand together and not break till parted by death. Nothing and no one from outside the marriage can destroy it unless the relationship already had fault lines.

Concluding Remarks:

The Bible highlights who  in the context of mutually loving and submitting to one another is best to lead the other on love and submission respectively.  Submitting and loving  are not always easy. But when you do your part prayerfully you strengthen the other in their role and you have better chances for your spouse to improve on their part.  Your part is like a seed you sow in the relation that the other multiplies back to you. People may not understand your situation but God does. Ask Him for grace to maintain a right attitude, and wisdom.. Psalm 23 is all about how God loves us even though we are not easy to love.